'Twas The Ruckus Before Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house
The kitten was racing,
'Cause on nip he was soused.

The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care.
Hope they don't get shredded
just hanging up there.

The dog was all nestled all snug in her bed,
Her life flashed before her as he raced past her head.
And Pat in his jammies, and I in my gown,
Had just settled in and laid our butts down.

When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
I stormed down the hall, like Attila the Hun,
And looked all around to see what damage was done.

The lights on the branches of the new fallen tree
Gave the luster of pre-dawn to all I did see.
When, what to my twitching eye should appear,
A Siamese cat, and eight tiny nip-deer.

With a flick of his tail, so wild and untamed,
I knew who was guilty. I knew who to blame.
To his stuffed little hockey pucks (he thought it a game)
He trilled and he mewled and he called them by name!

"Now Crunchy! Now, Squishy! Now, Tooth-marked and Squeaky!
On, Hairball! On, Fluffy! On Drooled-on and Freaky!
To the top of the shelves! To the top of the wall!
Now swat away! Swat away! Swat away all!"

As paper wads that 'fore the wild kitten fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, bounced to the sky.
So up to the shelf-top the nip-mice they flew,
They ricocheted off of the light fixtures too!

I stood there agape, mouth open ajar,
As I surveyed the damage, viewed from afar.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down from the chandelier the kitten came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his paws were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of nip-mice he'd flung far far out,
His eyes looked all glazed over, yup...he was strung out!

The stump of a tree limb he held tight in his teeth,
And the lights they encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a masked face and a long wicked tail,
That whipped back and forth, creating a gale!

He was slim, lithe and sleek, a right streamlined small cat,
And a growled when I saw him, and snarled, "holy crap!"
A twitch of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had bunches to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And emptied the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his paw aside of his nose,
With a full body fluff-out, up the mantle he rose!

He sprang at the tv, his eyes still a glazed.
Bounced off of the Wii-games, the CDs and blue-rays.
He landed right in my arms and went straight to his cute act.
Like he knew I'd forgive him, for being high on the nip-crack!

He slid out of my arms, to the floor slowly oozed.
He trotted away, trilling "mew mew mew mew."
I said, "Yes, you're forgiven," as I picked up the tree.
"Merry Christmas to all," from Pat, cats, dog and me!

How My House Became a TNT Cop Drama

I'm fighting a drug war in my house. I also seem to be losing.

See, catnip affects kitties in one of two ways...they either get really mellow, find a soft pillow to chill out on and ask you for twinkies, or - like my Dragon - they race around the house like a squirrel on speed using your chandeliers as their own personal zips lines. For this reason alone, "the nip" is now a Class C controlled substance in my house. Possession of which carries a 2-bath penalty.

At 4:45 this morning, I kissed my sweet husband goodbye and sent him out the door to go play with the other Shriners at some function. Turning around, I SAW THE DEAL GO DOWN. My border collie, Shala, delivered a "dime-bag" to Dragon! They both saw me at the same time - and I kid you not - Dragon grabbed the nip-mouse and tore out for the farthest reaches of the house leaving his dealer in the dust. So much for honor among thieves.

Now, it's 4:45 am, I'm tired and faced with 2 choices: do I "arrest" the dealer by tossing her in the half-bath and go into hot pursuit of a drug-crazed kitten or do I say screw it, it's a victimless crime, and go crawl back into my nice, soft, warm bed which is beckoning seductively to me from the end of the hallway? Ah, hell. The bed will still be there and justice needs to be administered.

I found the nip-sniffing hooligan holed-up behind some boxes in the basement guarding "his precious." He mewed sweetly, jumped in my arms and began purring. *Snort* I confiscated and destroyed the evidence, told Shala and Dragon that I'm looking the other way just this once and sent them both back to bed.

Great...I just realized that my 8-month-old kitten is a strung out nip junkie, my border-collie is a drug dealer and I'm a dirty cop on the take. My house is officially a TNT cop-drama.